Notes on Styling | 29 | Thoughts, feelings & clothes.
I got married 4 years ago today. Where does time go?
This might be a weird post. I’m not sure yet. I can only apologise if it is. I am very much enjoying making this a personal space but I am navigating my writing. I am not a writer (though I do love writing). I am a style coach who is very passionate about her subject. I accept that sometimes this will come out in bursts of all the things I feel have a connection to the style decisions we make. I know you guys get me.
I am married 4 years and I will turn 42 in a couple of months. For most of my 30’s, I navigated people asking me about the ‘kids’ issue. It was an issue for them. And in truth, for me, for a while. I found it difficult when we lived in Dublin during Covid. Irish culture and expectations weighed heavy or perhaps I let them. Either way, I had to face the feelings I felt and the facts. I would not have children with my husband. I knew this from when we very first met, long before we married - but there comes a time when things hit. He has two children (and I, two wonderful stepchildren) and he had the snip before we met (I should add we have a 16-year age gap….yes, yes, he got the good genes) ;-)
Time is the only thing that helps us to make sense of the big things we navigate in life, the assumptions we make about ourselves, and the courses we take.
It’s taken me time to know myself and my own personal set of feelings about babies. I would have been a great mum, I can picture it. I have that side of myself. But I also wanted an unconventional life full of things that gave me freedom to live a different life. And that is what I happily chose. When I learnt how to put aside the weight of other people’s feelings on the subject, I realised it didn’t have to be a binary thing. I shouldn’t have to feel one way or another. A bad or a good choice. I accept this nuance now. You can be really happy with the life you are building but still give yourself space to think of life if you had taken other paths or if you still choose too.
When I was processing all of this, it impacted what I wanted to wear. Your clothes have a role in seeing your through harder times and tricky feelings. They can make you feel safe, nurtured, and allow you too melt into the background for a while. I knew this was ok too. It’s what I needed.
I’m not - and nobody is - one thing. And even if we were, chances are we wouldn’t be that thing tomorrow, or in a month or a year. We need to allow ourselves time for transition, to give ourselves what we need. And that includes through your clothes.
I think this is why I love styling so much. The women I meet most often, have realised some sort of disconnect of their own, something they are going through in their own lives, perhaps grown tired of an identity - imposed on them by others, or one they have assumed - and they are growing into someone else.
They are starting to understand more of who they are, without the weight of others’ expectations and realise the confidence that comes from dressing in a way that feels true to them. Sometimes professionally, sometimes personally. It is a joy to behold an unravelling of doing things for or because of other people, and being more of who you want to be and were meant to be.
Michelle Obama once said:
“First and foremost, I wear what I love. That's what women have to focus on: what makes them happy and what makes them feel comfortable and beautiful. Nobody else can tell us what this is. If I can have any impact, I want women to feel good about themselves and have fun with fashion.”
The outside world is always ready to put us into their neat little boxes, the ones that fit who they need us to be because it helps them make sense of the world and make it a world they feel comfortable in. I think once you really see this for what it is, it begins to give you back your power to see things how you want to see them, uniquely for you.
I’ll stop there. I hope that this resonates for some of you, because I know how hard it can be. But mainly I want you to know you are not alone.
I’ve written a little on my wedding dress below and the feelings, drivers and experiences that led me to buy my £90 dress.
See you soon again.
Julie x
I found my wedding dress in a little vintage dress shop near Birmingham. I had my heart set on something vintage or second-hand. It’s funny when I look back now and reflect on this. What was most important to me was the thrill of finding something I loved that made me feel beautiful but didn’t cost the earth. A white dress just didn’t matter that much to me. Searching for my gem was part of the fun I had and the memories I made. We had a Dublin City Hall wedding with some walking from pub to dinner to dancing, so I wanted to feel chic, and comfortable but just myself.
That’s the joy of knowing yourself. I never got into fashion because I love expensive things (it’s funny how that can creep in though!). I love fashion and styling because I love the power clothes have to make us feel a certain way. I wanted to buy what felt good and right and true to me. My dress cost me £90. £200 by the time I styled it up with the low back and fitting. I did splurge a little more on the shoes, they are from Emmy London and I still wear them with all sorts in my wardrobe! You can custom design your heel height and design (block/stiletto/ kitten etc).
I choose the ‘Florence Block Heel’ from Emmy London. Below, a little video of me styling up the shoes the night after our wedding for dinner, with jeans :-)
Thanks so much for reading.
Julie x